Remembering: Part I

People respond differently to hardship and have different desires for how to continue on with their lives in light of painful circumstances. 

What I knew early on was that I wanted to remember our baby always. The thought of moving on or trying to forget that we had a miscarriage created a sense of panic in me. Even if everyone else forgot, I did not want our sweet babe to just be a something-hard-that-happened-a-long-time-ago moment.

One way that I’ve sought this remembrance is through jewelry. I already had something in mind, but had my sister and sister, and then a sweet friend, all sent me additional pieces. This week I want to share each of those and what they mean to me as I wear them. 

My sister–my best friend since I was 14 months old–lives in Australia. We see each other, at best, once a year, but our longest stretch was 2.5 years. And if you have a close relationship with your siblings then you understand that, yes, it’s as hard as it sounds.

In January my mom was on a visit to see my sister and two nieces. Together they sent me this beautiful bracelet from Honey Thorns that caused tears to stream down my face when I received it, and still does occasionally when I wear it. 

It reads, “I held you every second of your life.” There's an additional charm that has the date "1.1.17," when we found out we lost our baby.

All moms have a connection with their children that no one else does. Through our miscarriage, I’ve learned this connection is highlighted in a significant way to moms who have lost babies in the womb. There’s this bond I had with our baby that no else did. My body experienced the physical symptoms of a life growing inside of me. I was aware of his or her presence continually–quite literally carrying him or her wherever I went. Though, of course, my husband loved our baby from the moment we knew I was pregnant and grieves his or loss just as much as I do.

Once a baby is born, the dad and other family and friends get the opportunity to bond with your baby, but this is not the reality when they are lost before birth.

This bracelet so simply and beautifully–and perhaps even painfully–shares the reality that I had the privilege of carrying this little person every single second of their life, although I yearn for a lifetime of watching them grow. It jingles when I move around, creating little moments when I hear it to stop to praise the Lord for the gift of that little life, and pray for healing in our hearts. 

It’s helpful for me when people acknowledge our loss or ask about it. Having jewelry like this provides an easy way for me to talk about and remember my baby.

While everyone responds differently to suffering and has different desires for how they want people to engage with them, I find more often than not people appreciate you acknowledging this significant sorrow in their lives, reminding them they are not alone or forgotten in their pain.

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Niki

Twenty-something follower of Jesus, wife to my best friend, aspiring kitchenista, and lover of handwritten type, all things coffee, traveling and baked goods. Currently in the United States until my husband and I move back to Ljubljana, Slovenia, where we are missionaries with Cru.