You'd think I wouldn't be surprised by something that I already said and anticipated happening–that grief isn't a neat and tidy progression of many steps forward and no steps backward.
In many ways I have felt up for things I used to do–being around people, going out somewhere by myself–but this week, the grief hit me hard again. Whether it was a result of doing too much too fast, trying to just jump back in to normalcy, or simply the reality of the grieving process, it caught me off guard. Tears flowed heavy again this week as the aching in my heart for our little baby was deep.
I don't feel depressed or in utter despair, just sad. As my friend sweetly reminded me that I have permission to grieve, I'm realizing there will be days and moments I just need to do what is best for me right then–to not think about what I wish were true, how I wish I was feeling or what I think others expect from me.
And this week, I am learning to do just that. To let the tears flow when I need to, even if I'm out in public, to just stop and cry out to the Lord with my burdens, and to talk with people who can empathize and help point me to Jesus in this darkness.
Since the loss of our baby, I have lettered many song lyrics, Bible verses and quotes from authors that have been a source of comfort and encouragement to me. Today's lettering is from the song "Held" by Natalie Grant. An oldie but one that just kept coming to mind in those early January days. Though suffering will come, the promise is that we will be held in those moments by our Savior.
I would play the song and just weep. The song was written about a woman who lost her two-month old son due primarily to a doctor's mistake. The lyrics are raw with the reality of pain, but beautiful in the comfort they provide through Christ.